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sábado, abril 26, 2003
Esse aqui é um artigo que eu roubei do jornal da faculdade, The Planet:
Freedom?!? by Chris Mandel The French have always been a rather unreasonable lot. Instead of revolting against tyranny in a reasonable manner, as our forefathers did, by tossing some tea into a bay, the French, with characteristic flamboyance, decided that only guillotining sixteen-thousand people in nine months could bring them liberté; despite mammoth advances in the production, and storage of foodstuffs, the' French insist on eating cheese that has gone bad; they insist on calling "AIDS," "SIDA," and the "UN," the "ONU," just to be different; the French even continue, to this day, to insist upon eating invertebrates, voluntarily, even though Europe has not experienced a shortage, let alone a true famine, in decades. However, the French reached new heights of obstinacy weeks ago, when they threatened to veto a proposed resolution on Iraq to be put before the United Nations Security Council by the United States and Britain; hardly fitting behaviour towards those who have saved them in two World Wars, and one World .Cup (you don't really think, after seeing their 2002 performance, that the France 98 team pulled that victory off on their own, do you?). In short, the French have been acting as petulantly as though snails were just put on the endangered species list. We could, of course, respond with equally childish immaturity, vetoing all French Security Council resolutions in the future, or invading Martinique, but instead we have chosen to rise above, and merely signal our disapproval of France's unreasonable stand by kicking out, not French diplomats or French businesses, but words. As you may have heard, in the Houses of Congress, and on Air Force One, "French fries" have been renamed "freedom fries," while "French toast" has become "freedom toast." Many patriotic Americans have warmly embraced the new classifications; the American people realize that wars are fought in the hearts and minds of the people, as well as on the battlefield, and where better to strengthen the hearts and minds of Americans than in restaurants, diners, and kitchens? Unfortunately, the changes have been mostly superficial, and as my mother always told me: "let the punishment fit the crime" (that and: "fix me another Bloody Mary"). As if being French is not crime enough, the French have the audacity to wave that embarrassing fact about triumphantly as though it were the last pair of clean socks in the house. Far more sweeping changes are needed before honour is satisfied. We have taken care of "French fries," and "French toast," but what about "French kissing?" French kissing is not as easily renamed, as "freedom kissing," though certainly patriotic, is hardly the most romantic term. Some might find the depiction of kissing as a political statement a bit off-putting; can you imagine a group of schoolgirls sitting about in the playground giggling and talking about the boys they would like to "freedom" kiss? Then again, if women could be convinced that "freedom kissing" is their patriotic duty... girls should do their bit to raise the torch of freedom after all. Then again, perhaps we should simply adopt the quaint British kissing slang: "snogging," thereby exorcising the French stain from our language, and perhaps drawing our friend and ally even closer; who knows, we may need their help in Martinique after all if France does not mend its ways, or decides to make another "Taxi" movie; "Taxi 4: The Road to Baghdad." And what of "French ticklers?" What to call these treasured little helpers is an intricate question; overuse of the word "freedom" could vitiate it, whereas simply referring to them as "ribbed contraceptive sheaths" detracts greatly from their charm. Perhaps "crinkle-cut condoms" would suffice, though something more inspiring, such as naming them after a president, may be in order: "Jefferson jimmy hats," in honour of the President who purchased the Louisiana Territory, driving the French out physically as we are driving them out orally today, would be suitable. Other options could be: "Teddy [Roosevelt] ticklers," or perhaps "Ribbed Reagans", though "Bush beaver-busters" would have to be my favourite. Moreover, America's no.1 favourite mustard, "French's" mustard, will surely not remain so for long unless it changes with the times. Let's just cut the crap and call it what it really is: "Depleted Uranium Spread." Not only will the "French's" have to be dropped, but if China's diplomatic recalcitrance continues, French's most popular variety, "Classic Yellow," may have to be rethought also, which will be a damn, bloody shame (if you'll pardon my "freedom"). Speaking of "freedom," it is worth noting that the word "freedom" is derived from the old English word "fr*od*m," which itself has a German root, and let us not forget that the Germans, though they have received less attention from the media, were just as obstinate as the French, and probably would have threatened a veto had they possessed one. Unfortunately, no matter which way we turn, linguistically at least, we are surrounded. Through an accident of fate, English is an amalgam of French and German influences, and much of our vocabulary is derived from one or the other; "amalgam" itself comes from the French: "amalgame," and "through" is of Germanic origin. Thankfully, it appears that President Bush has the situation well in hand, developing new words that can capture the spirit of the American people, and their yearning for liberty for themselves and for all other .peoples on earth. At last, we may have found a job for which George W. Bush is suited, as he has ample experience inventing words; indeed, he seems to have a veritable talent for it. If we can only find something useful for Donald Rumsfeld to do... In any case, it is at last time, after gaining independence from the Old Country politically, economically, and militarily, to claim our independence linguistically. France may continue to eat snails and moldy cheese, reverse acronyms, and wave its veto about in our faces; they may eat their creme communiste, et frites fascistes, for it matters not. We are already beginning to assert our linguistic integrity, and without severing a single head, or spilling a drop of tea. There is talk of renaming the French Quarter in New Orleans the "Freedom Quarter", and "Baton Rouge" becoming "Red Stick." This is a positive start, but there remains much to be done. Perhaps now would also be a good time to start putting out diplomatic feelers as to the possibility of renaming France itself; not only is France a French word, it is also derived from the name of a Germanic tribe, and thus doubly offensive to freedom-loving people everywhere. All in all, I think "Bushland" would be much more appropriate, though all this can wait until after we have returned the Statue of Liberty.. Oh, and while we're at it, let's declare snails an endangered species. Bruna 2:24 PM
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